Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Choosing Life

Last night, I found out that Indigo would have come to our Fourth of July party, but she found out a few days earlier that she had vaginal cancer. She’s hopeful, though, and is exploring alternative treatments. A ball in my belly began to form – fear, sadness. Then this morning, Julie informed her friends that she has decided to share her journey to fight the cancer in her breast with us via her travel blog.

Shock and despair. How did this happen? I feel so many things all at once. One feeling is vulnerability, as if I’m in the same building as them and a bomb just went off. Tumbling down.

Five days ago, I watched Carol Sue grabbing for every ounce of pleasure there was to be had in the space of an hour as she crossed a pivotal threshold in her path to be a certified participant in the public demonstration of a woman in orgasm for an hour. She changed in the weeks leading up to her graduation from her training. She seemed to have a singular focus, choosing to go for whatever good there was to be had in any given moment.

All three of these women have inspired me suddenly and profoundly. Memories of my experience on September 11, 2001 come back to me. I remember I had a choice that morning, the first session of my Expansion of Sexual Potential. Gini, one of my teachers, told me that it ultimately it was just energy, this shock and grief. I could use it anyway I wanted. I had a choice. I could join the chorus of negativity, or I could be a spot in the universe that uses this energy for something good. Choosing to be in a state of orgasm, choosing pleasure over grief, could be my gift.

It’s so clear to me that this is what each of these women is offering anyone one who is noticing. By their sheer example and the exquisite way they are pursuing their paths with grace and honesty, grabbing for all the good there is in this life; they are offering a choice.

Flying up for no other reason than I choose to do so. Choosing to life.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Best Job I've Ever Had

Almost everyday I catch myself smiling or giggling to myself that this is my job. All the fun stuff I was doing before – working on the website, mulling over the business, going to Mark groups, doing Effect for courses, throwing parties, conspiring with my girlfriends for fun, investigating my life and reporting, organizing people, gossiping, being absurdly happy – all this is my job now. This is without a doubt the best gig I have ever had, and I have had some really cool positions from corporate organizational development in the era of the “learning organizations” to editor of a metaphysical magazine. The Housemother position allows me to apply what I enjoyed the most in previous careers: exploring how groups work best and playing with energy. Moreover, I get to do it in a context where everything and everyone is already perfect and now we’re just having fun.

Many days it feels like I just won the lottery, Some of my best adventures have happened in this place. First Vic, and now Cindy have had enough attention on me to serve up my dreams on silver platter. I hope I’m in a position to do that for someone someday, or maybe I already am.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Being Gratified and Having More

I’ve been thinking about gratification lately and how being overtly grateful for what you have makes space for having more. Like a lot people I picked up the idea that the secret to getting more of anything was to communicate that whatever you had was insufficient. I’m not sure how well it worked. I recall some amount of grumbling and people taking action under duress. If you think about it, though, the people you are most attracted to are the ones who are happy with what they have, and graciously open to having more. My neighbor across the street, Carol, was like that, and my friend, Janet, is another great example. Not only have I been drawn to these women because they appear to have it together, but it’s also easy to be around them. Moreover, I find that it’s fun to give to them things. Rather than compensating for a deficit, it feels more like I get to join in on their great life by contributing even more good to it. How much fun is that.